Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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