I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You made out with two different species that night
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
