Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So gin and wine won't be happening again
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
