dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
