Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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