I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
