I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
