I just threw up on my dentist
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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