Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
