did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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