just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
honey bunches of taint.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
