Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
