My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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