Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
