If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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