He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
