I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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