Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
