this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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