I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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