I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
