i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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