I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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