note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
