i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I will be naked everywhere
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
