john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
