So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
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Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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