She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
