my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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