and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
