I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
