If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You made out with two different species that night
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
