apparently the secret to your success is patron
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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