i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I still have a little drunk in my system
I need a beard to bite.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
