the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
