Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
