HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
