the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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