i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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