My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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