you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
