Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
