Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I die, sorry about rent.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
