So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
