we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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