i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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