I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
