Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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