every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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