I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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