I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
