So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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