You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
