i permit you to call me
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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